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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26798386">there’s no place i’d rather be</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/fernnette/pseuds/fernnette'>fernnette</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>find you universe [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>9-1-1 (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Awkwardness, Established Relationship, Fluff, M/M, Sad Evan "Buck" Buckley, Smut, Soft Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, no beta we die like men, sorta - Freeform</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 07:22:21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>12,111</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26798386</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/fernnette/pseuds/fernnette</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>status update: in a relationship</p><p>Everything’s perfect now, right? Happily ever after and all that...right?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan “Buck” Buckley &amp; Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Minor or Background Relationship(s)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>find you universe [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1954138</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>77</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>340</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. check yes or no</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>After a lot of thinking, I decided to make find you a series. Mainly because while the story had a completely acceptable ending in place, I still wanted more from these crazy kids. </p><p>That being said, this fic is kind of more like a part three for me. </p><p>The first part of the series is the beginning when Buck is coming to terms with his mental struggles and his budding feelings for his bff.</p><p>The second part is all of the dumbassery that ensues as Buck and Eddie struggle with their sexuality and what it means to be with each other. So much miscommunication and angst. </p><p>Part three is going to be how they navigate this new relationship to find their happy ending. The formatting will be different than find you in the fact that I will be doing some alternating POV and more short, fluff scenes. (Maybe smut scenes too.) The point of part three is to be the fun, awkward, seeing-their-love-blossom-and-grow part. </p><p>Hopefully you’ll love this as much as find you! </p><p>—the title of this fic is from rather be by her... it doesn’t have much significance except i like it lol chapter names will be a little different too... i’m exploring my creativity with this one</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>They stay like that, wrapped around each other in various states of undress in the middle of Buck’s kitchen for longer than they probably should. It’s the middle of the night; Carla is probably sitting at home with a sleeping Chris after Eddie claimed it was an emergency, and Buck is in desperate need of taking a cold shower then getting a few hours of sleep before their overnight shift tomorrow, er…today?</p><p> </p><p>But Buck can’t get himself to let go of Eddie. His hands are skimming over his bare skin, warm and smooth under his rough palms, and he can’t think of anything more important in this moment than making up for weeks of not touching this man the way he wants to.</p><p> </p><p>Did he mean it? Did Eddie really mean what he said? <em>Ask for everything</em>. It feels too good to be true. That’s how it always feels with Eddie. A little too good, a little too close to perfect to be possible and real. Buck wants to bow down and kneel before whoever in the universe decided he deserved Eddie and Christopher Diaz like this, and he’d spend forever trying his fucking best to be worthy of them.</p><p> </p><p>Speaking of being worthy: he’s not feeling it in this moment.</p><p> </p><p>His face is flushed from the direction his thoughts have taken. They took a right turn down the corridor of naughtiness (it’s like the Hogwarts changing stairs in his mind, okay?), and Buck’s having a hard time thinking about anything other than how good it felt to be on his knees for Eddie, bringing him pleasure with his mouth and hands. He’s never had another man’s dick in his mouth until tonight, but it’s something he wants to do everyday, in different positions, in various places. His mind is running a little wild at the thought of dropping to his knees for Eddie at the station while their showering after a rough call, the other man using his mouth as he sees fit.</p><p> </p><p>Eddie shifts, his hips brushing over Buck’s aching problem that’s tented his briefs during what should be an innocent hug, and Buck bites his lip to muffle the groan that threatens to slip out and ruin what should be a sweet moment.</p><p> </p><p>Not that he doesn’t want Eddie’s hands all over him. He does. Fuck, he wants that more than he’s ever wanted anything. And sure, Eddie was all “be greedy” twenty minutes ago, but did he mean to ask for things like sexual favors? Did the offer extend that far? Also, Buck might’ve been ready to go that far with Eddie, but Buck shouldn’t assume Eddie’s ready for anything like that yet. He’s only ever initiated kissing, which don’t get Buck wrong they’re the best make-out sessions he’s ever experienced, but it’s pretty tame compared to a blowjob.</p><p> </p><p>Then again Eddie did lick his own cum off of Buck’s chin…</p><p> </p><p>He’s confused himself now, wondering what the fuck is up or down when it comes to these things. His brain hurts from trying to figure everything out right this second, but it won’t shut off.</p><p> </p><p>Eddie’s face dips closer to his, soft lips brushing over the hair at his temple before rounding the shell of his ear hotly. Buck can’t contain the shiver that rolls down his spine, and as much as he wants to be embarrassed, he’s not. He’s too hot, too bothered by Eddie’s bare, muscular chest pressing into the fabric of his shirt to feel anything other than sharp, white heat coursing through his body.</p><p> </p><p>Buck doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t ask for Eddie to kiss him, doesn’t ask for the way he shifts their bodies, turning them around so he can push Buck into the counter. Buck doesn’t ask for Eddie’s tongue, licking into his mouth, wet and demanding, then over his jaw and down his throat.</p><p> </p><p>It just happens, and he loves it, basks in all of the sensation he feels. The hard edge of the counter biting into his hips. Eddie’s fingers digging into his waist, holding him exactly how he’d like. Eddie’s biting teeth and soft lips blazing a path over his skin like he’s touch starved, aching for Buck’s skin like an addict.</p><p> </p><p>Buck breathes out, head falling back as his hands find purchase on Eddie’s shoulders, “Who are you?” He groans when Eddie skims his knuckles over Buck’s throbbing erection. “I thought you…nnngh—didn’t you want slow?”</p><p> </p><p>Eddie pulls back, confusion drawing his eyebrows down as he pushes at Buck’s shirt, bunching the material up and up and up until Buck catches on, tearing the offensive, ratty shirt off and tossing it to the floor.</p><p> </p><p>“What? You’re the one who was talking about slow, Buck.” Eddie murmurs against him, sucking a bruise under his collarbone then lapping at it. “Don’t really know what slow means to you though since you just sucked my dick.”</p><p> </p><p>Buck laughs breathlessly, “Okay, yeah, that’s not…so you don’t want slow?”</p><p> </p><p>Eddie hooks his fingers in the elastic of Buck’s briefs, slowly peeling them down until they’re looped around his mid-thigh, keeping his legs from spreading more than a few inches. Buck groans at the first contact of Eddie’s hand on his cock, warm and dry and so fucking great.</p><p> </p><p>“Does it feel like I want slow?” Eddie asks, breath ghosting over his lips when he leans forward, hand frozen over his leaking cock, squeezing gently but unmoving. “Hm?”</p><p> </p><p>Buck swallows, moaning when Eddie gives him a slow, languid stroke, dropping his head back again. “Feels good whatever it is.”</p><p> </p><p>Eddie chuckles then captures Buck’s lips in a hard kiss, nipping at his bottom lip while his free hand glides over his abs, tickling the flexing muscles, then over his chest before pinching at Buck’s nipple, teasing the hardened bud harshly before moving onto the next.</p><p> </p><p>Buck is nothing but a pile of hot, flushed skin and an erect penis. Everything feels a little too bright and a little too sensitive even though this isn’t even the most stimulation he’s had in one go. Maybe it’s because it’s Eddie making him feel all of…<em>this.</em></p><p> </p><p>Eddie removes his hand from Buck to lick and spit into his hand, coating himself then wrapping around Buck once more, tighter, harder, stroking his cock steadily now. Buck is trembling, and he’s almost one thousand percent sure he’s not going to be able to stand much longer. Eddie’s hand is moving over him hot and fast, and Buck’s head is flopped backwards while a series of unintelligible moans and grunts exit his mouth. His hips make tiny thrusts into Eddie’s hand while he presses into the fingers still pinching and caressing his nipples.</p><p> </p><p>“How did you—<em>oh, oh</em>—did you learn how to…?”</p><p> </p><p>Eddie kisses him, jerking him harder and faster until Buck is one, long indecipherable ball of white, hot lust shooting for explosion, for maximum damage in any way he can. Eddie’s hand leaves his chest, settling on the nape of neck instead to direct him to Eddie’s mouth. It doesn’t stay there though. He tries to spread his legs, thrust into Eddie’s fist with a little more leverage, but he’s immobilized by his briefs, when Eddie’s hand drifts. Eddie just trails down Buck’s chest to cup his aching balls, massaging and rolling as Buck slams a palm down on the counter when his orgasm rips through him.</p><p> </p><p>Hot, white spurts of come coat Eddie’s hand, Buck’s abs, even a rope lands on Eddie’s jeans before Eddie’s able to milk the last of Buck’s orgasm from him.</p><p> </p><p>“If you can still talk with my hand on you, I’m clearly not doing it right.”</p><p> </p><p>“I think evidence points to you doing <em>everything </em>right.”</p><p> </p><p>Eddie smiles. Buck sucks in air, breathing happily and sated.</p><p> </p><p>Then Eddie, being the kinky bastard Buck is realizing he must be, brings his hands up to his mouth, licking a stripe of cooling cum from his hand. Buck’s eyes narrow, breath hitching. It shouldn’t be hot, and yet his cock is making a valiant effort to harden once more at the sight.</p><p> </p><p>“I’ve been doing a lot of…research we’ll call it.”</p><p> </p><p>Buck nods, mouth parting in disbelief and surprisingly lust, “You’ve been researching gay porn?”</p><p> </p><p>Eddie snorts, “I’d like to think it’s more complex than googling “gay porn”.”</p><p> </p><p>“What did you google then?”</p><p> </p><p>“How to please a man in less than ten steps.”</p><p> </p><p>Buck frowns. He has managed to do some of his own research, purely for science of course, about the workings of sex between a man and another man. He never found such an article.</p><p> </p><p>Eddie laughs, hands cupping Buck’s face, “I’m kidding. I just…I don’t know. Researched. Jesus, what is this? Twenty questions? Aren’t you supposed to be all loopy and too satisfied to talk after an orgasm?”</p><p> </p><p>“I am pretty tired.”</p><p> </p><p>Eddie steps back, pulling Buck’s underwear back into place over his messy privates before hitting him with a soft grin. “Let’s get you to bed.”</p><p> </p><p>//////</p><p> </p><p>“Whoa…”</p><p> </p><p>“What did you—”</p><p> </p><p>“Did you get into a fight? Who did this to you?”</p><p> </p><p>Buck sighs, rubbing a frustrated hand over his forehead. “It’s a buzz cut, guys. It’ll grow back.”</p><p> </p><p>“But,” Hen reaches out then drops her hand, “the little curls…”</p><p> </p><p>“Does Maddie know? She won’t be happy…” Chim insists as Buck walks away with a snickering Eddie on his tail.</p><p> </p><p>//////</p><p> </p><p>It’s been a long day, longer than usual it seems, and maybe it only seems that way to Buck because he’s scheduled for what he hopes is his last doctors appointment about his damn leg for the rest of his life. He always gets a little anxious before these appointments, like suddenly his doctor is going to tell him he’s back to square one again and out of work for the time being. Every appointment screw with his head, and he’s struggled all day to stay focused on his job.</p><p> </p><p>It also doesn’t help that Eddie’s been watching him like a fucking hawk, eyes narrowing into concerned slits every time he doesn’t respond to someone with useless knowledge or charismatic humor. He knows he’s not himself at the moment, but he refuses to worry about this appointment, about Eddie, about the guilt he feels for not even telling Eddie about the doctor. He has one thing to focus on at the moment. One thing that requires his full attention.</p><p> </p><p>And that is the man dangling precariously from the back of a small airplane.</p><p> </p><p>Hen and Chim are spouting off different possible medical problems the man could’ve sustained while he’s flailing around up there while Bobby remains silent, assessing the situation completely before talking. Eddie is watching with a rapt fascination that Buck would find endearing in literally any other situation.</p><p> </p><p>Buck on the other hand is a little miffed about one thing in particular. “Yeah, we haven’t talked about how we’re getting him down...”</p><p> </p><p>Bobby turns, leveling Buck with a look that tells him he has a plan, “How’s the leg?”</p><p> </p><p>“Uh, screws are out. Feeling great.”</p><p> </p><p>Bobby nods, speaking into his radio to the dispatcher then connecting to the radio on the plane to talk to the pilot. Everything happens fast after that. One minute Buck is leaning against the truck struggling to understand how the hell they’re going to get this man down safely. The next Eddie and Buck are standing on top of the fire truck like it’s a damn surfboard, tethered to the top, while the pilot flies over them so they can grab the instructor before the plane literally lands on him.</p><p> </p><p>Somehow they manage to pull it off, and Buck shoots Eddie his first genuine smile of the day, which the other man returns full force. Buck finds himself caught up in the moment, just staring at Eddie for a moment.</p><p> </p><p>//////</p><p> </p><p>“Everything’s all good! He said he thinks the screws and pins were causing the clots,” Buck says, an excited lit to his tone, as he smushes his phone between his ear and shoulder while bending awkwardly to unlock his apartment door.</p><p> </p><p>“Wait, you had an appointment today?” Eddie asks. “Is that why you rushed off after shift?”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, uh, yeah,” Buck flounders for a minute. He forgot he never told Eddie about the appointment in his pure utter joy knowing he’s finally free of the doc. “I—It wasn’t because I didn’t want you to know, or whatever. I was just—”</p><p> </p><p>“Nervous?” Eddie supplies.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, but as soon as I got out of there, man, my first thought was “I gotta call Eddie!””</p><p> </p><p>Eddie chuckles, something rustling in the background, “So you like me? That’s what I’m hearing?”</p><p> </p><p>Buck rolls his eyes, but there’s a goofy grin on his face, “What is this, middle school? Check yes or no?”</p><p> </p><p>Buck wanders upstairs, stripping his clothes off awkwardly before throwing on sweats and a clean t-shirt before trotting back down the steps to rustle up some dinner.</p><p> </p><p>“Exactly. Yes or no? I’m so anxious waiting for your answer. Probably won’t be able to look you in the eye for the next month.”</p><p> </p><p>Buck barks out a laugh, “So you’re familiar with the yes or no system? You use it often?”</p><p> </p><p>“Is there another? I must be outdated,” Eddie plays along. “But seriously, I’m dying here. Yes or no? You like me?”</p><p> </p><p>Buck sobers. He’s preheating his oven, and he just kind of freezes because he can hear the small bite of insecurity in Eddie’s voice. He can hear the way Eddie’s joking and not joking at the same time. Buck can hear it because he’s the exact same way.</p><p> </p><p>“Can’t believe I have to say it…” Buck murmurs even though he feels giddy at just the thought of telling Eddie he really likes him, of making Eddie happy through his answer. At Eddie soft laugh, Buck sighs dramatically, “Yes, duh. Of course, I like you.”</p><p> </p><p>“Aw, Buck, you’re so into me.”</p><p> </p><p>“You asshole.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. halloween: part one</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Part one of the Halloween holiday special.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hello! I’m thrilled with the response I’ve gotten from just the first short chapter alone so far! </p>
<p>Some things I’d like to go ahead and touch on before we get too far and you’ve wasted your time reading something you didn’t want to or don’t want to. </p>
<p>First thing, this will be angsty still. This is technically the happy ever after, but even then it’s still work. There’s so much these babies have to navigate before we get to the FR happy ever after. </p>
<p>Second thing, like in most healthy, consensual relationships where sex is involved typically partners like to explore each other’s likes/dislikes. I feel like it’s pretty common. So that being said Eddie and Buck will be exploring a lot sexually, so there will be some kinks and such I’ll give warnings for in later chapters. For example, we’ve already seen that maybe our boy Eddie likes a little come play...👀 N E WAYZ I just want to put it out there that their relationship will not be vanilla in nature. I think they’re entirely too comfortable and totally fucking in love to not want be open to new things. Also Buck is a self-diagnosed sex addict. That boy is fucking freaky, okay? </p>
<p>Third thing, I would love to hear some things y’all would like to read from this. Like suggestions or just things you would like to see from find you’s Buck and Eddie. My tumblr is always open, or just the comment section below! </p>
<p>I think that’s all for now. </p>
<p>Warnings for this chapter: Eddie POV, potential cavities from the tooth-rotting sweetness (at least for me)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Eddie Diaz feels lighter than he has in months. He has one Evan Buckley to thank for that.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>If someone would’ve asked Eddie who Evan Buckley was to him a few months ago, he would’ve arched a confused brow, chuckled lowly, and then given some vague bullshit about best friends and “practically brothers” which knowing what he knows now is fucking disgusting. The point is if you ask Eddie now, if you ask him who is Evan Buckley to him right now, he’d probably blush—<em>holy fuck!—</em>and stammer and pass out from the total fucking amount of mushy sap he’s choking on.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>That’s right. Call the local papers and all the news stations. Eddie Diaz is a blushing, stuttering mess of a human with Buck, because of Buck, for Buck.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>And he says this knowing full well his man card could totally be rejected, but it feels a lot like…<em>fuck! </em>It feels a lot like love, okay? Which is crazy because he was married. He was married for a long time, and being with Shannon didn’t feel like this even at the beginning. Sure, he loved her, but loving her didn’t make his skin itchy and too tight, loving Shannon didn’t make him a little nutty in the head at any given moment, and loving Shannon sure didn’t make him yearn for domesticity.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Yearn! He’s yearning. He’s practically begging for lazy mornings and frantic bedtime routines every time Buck is at his home which is a lot these days. He’s practically begging for more children every time Buck plays blocks or tickle war with Christopher.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Everything. Be greedy. Ask for everything. That’s what he’d told Buck, and for the first time in his life, he meant every word. Usually those lines were pulled from him, kicking and screaming, all fakery poetic and unoriginal. But for Buck, to Buck, he’d never questioned the validity of the words. He never paused to make sure he was what Eddie really wanted. It was just one of those things that a person is sure of, something a person is meant to trust their gut about.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Buck is like a buoy of kindness in an unsympathetic, raging sea. Even if Eddie isn’t the one struggling and drowning, even if Buck is the one who needs the life raft…Buck is the beacon of hope after a long day. He’s the ray of sunshine on a cloudy day. He’s the fucking burst of laughter on a tragic day. He’s everything sweet and good all rolled up into a huge, manly, hulking package.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He’s every cliché phrase Eddie could think of in the moment, but Eddie wants to write them on his skin, tattoo his body in all the good that is Evan Buckley. He’s no Shakespeare. He’s not great with words or feelings, but Buck makes him wax stupid poems and sonnets in his head all damn day.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>A few months ago, Eddie was entirely oblivious to how good Buck truly is, like obviously he knows that Buck is a good man, friend, brother, son, firefighter… Those things he knows because he sees them everyday in a glaringly obvious way. What he sees of Buck is just scratching the surface. The tsunami for example was an opportunity for Eddie to see past Buck’s cocky front to the insecure, terrified man underneath. That’s the Buck that Eddie craves, the one that’s a little unsure and awkward, the one that struggles yet still finds a way to make everyone else around him happy.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>That’s the biggest sign Eddie’s ever going to get all things considered. The man literally saved his son from a natural disaster. He was bruised and bleeding, leg stiff from walking and running all over the damn place, and when he saw Chris, when he realized Chris was safe, he was fucking beaming! Smiling brighter than ever…you know, before he passed out, which was traumatic in itself.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>So after all that, if he’s still denying how incredible Buck is, he’s a goddamn fool.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Hell, he might be a fool either way.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>//////</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Eddie’s literally just plopped down onto the couch after tucking Christopher into bed when there’s a knock on his door. The cap is barely off his beer, and he’s still a little smoky from his overnight shift. The last thing he wants to deal with is some Jehovah’s Witness banging his door down so goddamn late, (It’s only eight, but dammit the point stands.)</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He wants to slam his bottle onto the coffee table but refrains since he knows Christopher likely isn’t asleep yet then begrudgingly shuffles toward the door.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He swings it wide with an exasperated, “Listen, I’m not buying what you’re sell—Buck?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Buck grins, cheeky and shy at the same damn time. He looks cozy and a little damp like he’d just showered before coming over. He’s wearing a thin hoodie and athletic sweatpants that Eddie’s realized he basically lives in outside of the station.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Hey, Eds. Is, um, is this okay?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Eddie cocks his head to the side curiously, “Buck, you’re welcome anytime. I told you that.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Buck laughs, running the back of his neck sheepishly, two bulky bags catching Eddie’s attention for the first time.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Come in. If my Abuela saw you outside with wet hair, she’d smack you with her shoe and lecture you about illness. Even if you don’t have much of it to begin with.” Eddie informs him as he guides Buck to the couch where they plop down together, a few inches of space between them. “Gonna tell me what’s in the bags?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Well,” Buck begins, another sheepish grin on his face, “I bought some…things…for you and Chris.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Eddie scoots closer. His mind is racing being so close to Buck and not touching every part of him he can reach. He grabs Buck’s hand, slipping his fingers messily through the other man’s and watches as Buck’s face does this kind of soft, shy, happy thing it always does when Eddie holds his hand this way. He was embarrassed the first time it happened, like he’d never held hands with someone before. Two of his fingers were hanging out by themselves and everything was off kilter, but Eddie didn’t mind after a moment because Buck made this soft sound, a sigh of sorts, then relaxed. He didn’t try to fix the monstrosity of Eddie’s hand and his. He just let it happen, and because Eddie is a selfish human being with Buck, he always wants to hear that soft little sound and see that shy smile. So that means he’s going to sloppily hold Buck’s goddamn hand every time he grabs it.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Eddie drops their hands to Buck’s hard thigh, reveling in the warmth radiating through his sweats, before grasping Buck’s chin between his thumb and index finger, turning his face toward him slightly. Buck’s lips are parted, his eyes wide in interest, and Eddie licks his lips without really thinking when Buck’s gaze flicks down to them.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Just…before we get into your magical carpet bags of shit you shouldn’t have bought…” Buck bites his lip to ward of the smile forming.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Eddie leans forward, pressing his lips into Buck’s for what he meant to be a chaste kiss, a little something to show how much he’s missed Buck, that turns into so much more as Buck moves into Eddie’s space, practically chest to chest after a moment.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It occurs to him then that if Buck was this hungry for a kiss, why didn’t he just take it? The thought is nagging in parts of his brain that should be thinking about the fact that Buck’s fitting a large hand over his abs, pinky resting on the waistband of his jeans. Clearly Buck wants a lot from Eddie, and who knows if he would’ve taken it if Eddie wouldn’t have initiated this.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Buck,” Eddie pulls away, breathing heavily. “Ask. All you gotta do is ask, okay?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Buck drops his head to Eddie’s shoulder, “So that applies to like…sexual stuff?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Dios mío…Especially the sexual stuff.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Buck straightens, looking Eddie in his eyes before fucking beaming at him and grabbing a bag off the floor. “Well…okay then.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He can’t stop the bark of laughter that erupts from him, but it quickly fizzles into a weird, strangled gasp as Buck begins pulling…bones—yeah, that’s definitely bones—out of one of the bags. It seems like an endless stack of dismembered bones. Fortunately Buck looks somewhat embarrassed, ducking his head as he grins.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I might’ve broken the skeleton.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Eddie arches a brow, clearly signaling he needs a little more explanation from him in order to fully grasp what the actual fuck is happening.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Buck pulls out a crumpled, but fully intact torso, then begins trying to reassemble the thing, “I bought this thing like…two years ago? I don’t know. It’s been a while, so naturally when I went to dig it out of storage, it was stuck under a box of Christmas decorations. I yanked a little too hard.” Buck sighs, hooking the arms into place, “Anyways, I thought maybe we could hang it outside Chris’s door tonight so it scares him in the morning.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Buck chuckles at the thought, steadily assembling more of the skeleton while Eddie just stares, wide-eyed and grinning like a goof. He admires the way Buck’s nose scrunches a smidge while he concentrates, or when that damn femur just won’t hook into his place as easily as the other side. He admires his birthmark on his left eye and the way his brow naturally arches higher there. Buck’s biting the corner of his lip, and he expects his tongue to dart out at any moment to settle in the corner of his mouth while he works.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It’s such a grounding sight for Eddie, humbling and arousing in ways he wouldn’t have imagined months ago.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Be right back,” Eddie says quickly.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Working quickly, he strides into the kitchen to grab his partially eaten package of Oreos—thanks to Buck—and a beer for him before plopping down beside him again and passing off his armful of goodies, which Buck accepts with a gracious smile and a quick squeeze to Eddie’s hand—really just like three of his fingers, but its fine because he fucking loves that they can’t seem to get the hang of this fucking holding hands thing.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Eddie sighs like he’s put out even though he’s smiling, “Alright, what else is in the bags beside your freaky, dismembered skeleton?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>//////</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You don’t think he’ll, like, get really scared or anything, right?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Eddie can’t help it. He chuckles. His arms are crossed over his chest, and he hangs his head so he can at least try to muffle the laugh. It doesn’t work obviously, but Buck doesn’t seem to mind as not a minute later he’s laughing right along with Eddie.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Eddie comes to stand beside Buck where he’s standing in front of Christopher’s bedroom door staring at the creepy skeleton Buck hung up after taking an hour to reassemble him. Eddie put out the other bagful of decorations while he waited on Buck to finish, so the rest of his home is currently covering in fake spider webs, pumpkins that still need to be carved, and even a creepy witch thing that Buck claims is a relic from his childhood that he thought Christopher might like.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It gives Eddie the heebie-jeebies, but he couldn’t say no to Buck.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>There’s also a very fake looking ghost hanging by his front door that he can already tell is going to get super annoying super fast, but Buck insisted it go right there so guess what? That’s where Eddie put it.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>They’re standing side by side still, shoulders barely brushing, and Eddie finds himself itching with a certain want, a non sexual, serious want that he’s pretty sure Buck will completely reciprocate, but just on the off chance he doesn’t, Eddie hesitates to ask.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Buck finally breaks the silence by saying, “You know, that rule goes both ways.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Rule?” Eddie questions even though he knows full well what he means, opting to grab Buck’s hand to guide him toward the kitchen. “We have rules?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Buck lets himself be lead through the house. Eddie deposits him beside the fridge before pulling another couple of beers out for them. Buck clicks his tongue, sounding disappointed as he says, “I probably shouldn’t if I want to be able to drive home.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Or…” Eddie starts, looking off to the side for a moment. <em>Man the fuck up, Diaz.</em> “Or you could stay. The night. Here. In my bed. With me.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>What a caveman.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Buck’s eyes are wide. “Oh.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Eddie swallows, “Or not. That’s fine, too. No pressure. Just thought maybe—for, you know, all your hard work—instead of telling you about Chris’s reaction, you could be here for it.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“That’s the only reason you want me to stay?” Buck smirks.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“It’d be nice to have you in my space, I think,” he answers honestly.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Buck nods, biting his cheek but it does very little to cover the beaming smile creeping onto his face. He clears his throat, schooling his features before he says, “Sure, yeah. No problem-o.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Eddie rolls his eyes to dispel his giddiness, shoving those beer bottles back into the fridge after suddenly feeling too anxious to sit on the couch with Buck any longer. The thought of him in his bed made his stomach flip and his skin feel stretched tight, but in the best way possible. “Come on, casanova. Let’s go watch a movie in bed.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Can I be big spoon?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>//////</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Eddie loves early mornings. He loves rising when the sun does and prepping for his day. He enjoys getting in a quick workout and at least one cup of coffee before Christopher stumbles out of his room for the day. It’s the routine of things probably that does it for him. The cathartic knowledge that every morning is the same, expected and predictable.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>There’s not much Eddie loves more than a good early morning. The list includes a handful of items: Christopher, the one-eighteen, his family…and waking up with Evan Buckley curled around his body like a lifeline.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Their legs are gently tangled, Buck’s bulkier one wedged between Eddie’s, and Eddie’s clasping one of Buck’s hands in his—again, so sloppy, Jesus—while Buck’s other hand is curled over Eddie’s waist, resting over the fabric of his t-shirt covering his stomach. Every part of Buck is limp and relaxed, deep in sleep at the moment, except for the hardness pressing into the cleft of Eddie’s ass, and for some reason he feels like he likes that a little too much.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>In most of his fantasies, he’s got Buck on all fours, one hand gripping the curve of his waist while the other is wrapped loosely around his throat, and he’s fucking Buck until he’s screaming his name, until he’s coming all over Eddie’s clean, pristine sheets, until he’s sobbing from it.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He never really thought of the scenario potentially being reversed with Eddie begging and pleading for release as Buck splits him apart. He’s definitely not as opposed to the idea as he thought he’d be. He feels like he should be against it though. He means, it’s one thing to put his dick in someone else’s ass. It’s a completely separate thing to take it up the ass.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Is it okay to feel panicked by this? Just because he’s accepted he clearly has a thing for men, specifically Buck,—he’s not ready to test it out in other men—doesn’t mean he has to be completely okay with everything that entails immediately, right? Surely Buck would understand if he feels hesitant about certain things.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Then again denying Buck pleasure, even at his own expense, makes him feel sad, like he’s disappointing not only himself but his partner, and that feels like the last Eddie wants to do. He wants to avoid that at all costs.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Not a big deal. He can do what needs to be done. Eddie’s a fighter. He pushes through, and if he has to endure a little discomfort to make Buck happy, that’s exactly what he’ll do, dammit.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>There’s a tiny, aborted thrust against his ass followed by a low groan that has Buck tightening his hold on Eddie’s waist, palm pressing hotly into Eddie’s stomach to pull him even closer to Buck chest.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He can feel Buck’s mouth, hot and slightly damp, against the nape of his neck, and a full body shiver courses through his body. There’s no mistaking whether or not he’s awake anymore.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Morning,” he says lowly, almost a whisper.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The sun is just peaking out, just the right amount of light shining through the windows to make Eddie itch to get out of bed for a workout then a hot shower. He’s sure Christopher is snoozing away still.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Buck places a soft kiss, barely there and probably an unconscious thing, against the sensitive skin around the collar of his t-shirt. “Good morning. It’s a <em>good</em> morning, Eds.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He chuckled, “It’ll be better with coffee. Lots of coffee. Maybe some bacon, too—oh! Or those little fruity biscuit things you brought that one time.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Scones. They were scones, and I think I could be…persuaded to venture into the dark unknown for fruity biscuits.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Asshole. Though I’m intrigued by the persuasion bit,” Eddie grins as he rolls onto his back. Buck is wonderfully sleep rumpled, glowing despite all of last nights frustrations, which Eddie would like to believe is because of him, but he doesn’t want to get too cocky.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Buck curls into Eddie’s side, burrowing against the man like he’s nervous Eddie’s just going to bolt any second. He’s shirtless, looking entirely too good this early in the morning. It’s not fair, so yeah, Eddie is down for some persuasion. The sexual kind.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Then Buck says, “On second thought, I should probably go ahead and get going, so I can shower and get some clothes before I miss Chris’s big surprise.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He’s smirking at Eddie, full of revenge and karma—loads of karma—since Eddie decided to play gentleman last night when they climbed into bed. He didn’t let things get farther than a pg-13 make out session. At the time, he thought Buck would appreciate the fact that Eddie was trying to make him feel comfortable in a new environment. He means, it’s not like they’ve had a sleepover in Eddie’s bed before.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Buck didn’t appreciate it clearly.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He still doesn’t.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Eddie groans, “The one time I try to be a nice guy it backfires.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Eddie…” Buck is laughing, index finger rubbing circles just above Eddie’s navel. It’s distracting. He’s not sure if his laugh is making his dick hard, or if it’s the soft touch on his stomach. It could definitely be both.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Either way, his fucking dick is filling out, and he’s not sure if he should act on it.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Fortunately, or really unfortunately, Buck decides for him, rolling away from Eddie to plant his feet on the floor. He stands, stretches, back cracking in a way that makes Eddie feel oddly satisfied. Buck searches for a moment before finding his shirt, carelessly thrown beside the nightstand, and pulling it on.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It’s strangely domestic watching Buck rush around his room to gather his things and redress. It leaves that same tingle, that same itch and tightness, that makes him yearn. That’s all he seems to do with Buck. Yearn for more, for everything they could have, for the man himself. It’s such a chick flick thing to say, but he enjoys seeing Buck hop around his room while he lays back to watch the show.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Then to top it all off, Buck unplugs his phone, launches himself at Eddie from the opposite side of the bed, kisses the fucking shit out of him before pulling back with a shit-eating grin, and leaves with a soft parting (“Bye, Eddie. I’ll be back in a few.” “Right, yeah, bye.” <em>I’ll miss you.</em>).</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It’s so goddamn sweet his teeth hurt.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>//////</p>
<p> </p>
<p>A couple of hours later, Eddie is finishing his second cup of coffee after completing a quick workout and shower while Buck works on his first, babbling about some play date coming up with one of the girls in that program he participates in.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You should come with us next time. You and Chris.” Buck leans forward, bracing himself on his elbows on the counter. The muscles in his arms are bulging, flexing and practically bursting the seams of his navy t-shirt. “Sam’s great, and you know, I think the kids—uh, Sam and Chris—would be fast friends.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Eddie nods, half listening to the actual words coming out of his mouth and half admiring the way his shirt clings to him. This is new for Eddie, appreciating the way a man, specifically Buck, looks. It’s a tad objectifying if he’s honest, kind of gross, but it happens so naturally that Eddie’s helpless to stop himself.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“—sure her mom wouldn’t care. It’s a long story anyways. Well, Kaylee says it is. Not like she can actually <em>share</em> details about Sam’s home life with me. It is what it—Eds? Are you okay?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Huh?” Eddie asks with a shake of his head. “Yeah. Um, Sam’s home life equals not good. Kaylee can’t tell you about…it… What? What’s with that look?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Buck is grinning, sly and <em>extremely </em>naughty, “Uh huh. My face is tame compared to yours, you perv.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“What are you, twelve? I’m not a perv. I have no idea what you’re talking about.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Before Buck can respond, there’s a startled screech and a thump from across the house that leave the two of them scrambling across the kitchen to the hallway to see Christopher on his butt in his doorway poking a hesitant finger at the hanging skeleton.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Buck is laughing harder than Eddie’s ever seen, bright and completely unabashed. He’s red faced, mouth wide open with his nose scrunched adorably, and it’s a beautiful thing. Contagious in nature as well since Eddie finds himself laughing right along with him as he helps his son stand on two feet again.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Christopher is smiling, a giggle escaping him after the adrenaline has worn off from the initial scare.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“That was not nice,” Christopher informs them a few minutes later as Eddie gives him a plate with breakfast and a cup of milk.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Buck shakes his head in mock seriousness, “That’s what I said.” He jabs his thumb in Eddie’s direction, “It was all his idea.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“What?” Eddie exclaims. “I’m sharing space with a liar right now.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Chris giggles, “Don’t worry, dad. This has Buck written all over it.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Well,” Buck clicks his tongue, settling beside Chris with his own plate of breakfast, “I am hurt. See if I bring you guys breakfast again.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“What are these things?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Buck opens his mouth to respond at the same time Eddie says, “Fruity biscuits. Eat up.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. radical and out-of-this-world</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>The month of October has been one of the worst out of the year for me which is saying something with all the bullshit happening throughout the world right now, but I’m starting to get back on track, slowly. </p><p>I left y’all hanging WAY longer than intended because of that, and I’m sorry. To show how deeply apologetic I am, I am posting almost 3k of smut. That’s ALL this is tbh. There’s some fancy words in between because y’all no I like internal monologues, but for all intents and purposes this is just smut. </p><p>There will be a continuation of the Halloween parts. It was supposed to span all of October but that didn’t happen obviously. I will post them though even though it’s November. </p><p>I also just want to say that none of my work is beta’d. I go through and edit it, but it’s hard to catch my own shit sometimes. I had someone point out some conflicting information a while back that I’ll try to remember to go in and fix later, but the point is I’m sure there’s probably a lot of that throughout this. I try to reread, but...y’all know how I am at this point lol </p><p>So just reiterating that all mistakes are my own, and I apologize for them in advance. ☺️</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Eddie’s hand skims over Buck’s cheek, fingers trailing softly over the stubble there before moving lower down his neck, admiring the little hollow at the base of his throat, then over his fabric covered shoulders.</p><p> </p><p>When Eddie stirred awake a few minutes earlier, he’d been frozen in confusion at the feel of another warm, hard body pressed against his. Actually, pressed is too tame for how Evan Buckley’s octopus-limbs were wrapping around him like he was terrified Eddie might try to put even an inch of space between them.</p><p> </p><p>It was refreshing to feel wanted this way if Eddie was honest.</p><p> </p><p>In the past, it was never this way with Shannon, and while it made him feel a little dirty to compare his budding relationship with Buck to his marriage to Shannon, he couldn’t help but revel in how different the two were in their affections. Shannon was loving, sure, but there was a limit. They had clear, separate sides of the bed at night, and occasionally they’d meet in the middle for a little spooning action. Eddie had never been one for PDA even when Shannon had wanted to hold hands, or share a sweet, chaste kiss in the safety of their car. It felt wrong to him in a way that made him feel guilty.</p><p> </p><p>With Buck though, he managed to wriggle himself completely on Eddie’s side of the bed, wrapping his arms around Eddie’s torso and intertwining their legs in a tangle mess. Buck was practically on top on Eddie, pressing him into the mattress with his heavy body, and as much as Eddie’s first thought was to balk at the absurdity of it all, he found himself loving the feeling of Buck’s weight on top of him. Where it should’ve felt suffocating, it felt rewarding and made him needy in an overwhelming way.</p><p> </p><p>He tried to stop himself from touching Buck while he was sleeping, partly so he didn’t wake him, but also for the simple fact that this was so new. With Shannon, he would’ve just took because there was just a blanket permission that came with knowing where he stood, and Shannon would push him away if she didn’t want it. It’s not that he thought Buck would brush his touch off, but the little thread dangling in his mind that still said <em>what the fuck are you to him</em> seemed to take over his brain in moments like this.</p><p> </p><p>Not even a minute later though he was running the pads of his fingers over Buck’s tan skin, the short hair growing back over his scalp, the birthmark over his eye, the stubble on his cheeks, that little hollow at the base of his throat that made Eddie feel a little crazy—</p><p> </p><p>“Mmm, feels good, Eds,” Buck mumbled sleepily into Eddie’s chest, a small smile on his lips as Eddie ghosted his fingers across Buck’s chest, pinching at his nipple gently before moving on to glide down his ribs.</p><p> </p><p>Eddie grinned. “Does it?”</p><p> </p><p>Buck curled even closer into Eddie’s body if that were possible, and he trailed his own hand over Eddie’s chest like it was on its own personal mission with the goal being the crotch of Eddie’s pajama pants. Eddie groaned as Buck teased him, eyes still closed but a cocky smile on his lips, as his cock grew under his light touch.</p><p> </p><p>Eddie felt that familiar tightening of his pants that seemed to always happen around Buck these days. It didn’t matter what the other man was doing either. Hell, just the other day he was bent over the backseat of Eddie’s truck trying to shove that stupid skeleton behind the seat so he could scare Chim later at work, and all Eddie could do was stand there watching him through the living room window like a giant creep while imagining pinning him down on the leather and slamming into him.</p><p> </p><p>That’s another thing that’s new to Eddie. Dominance. The need to be in control and aggressive. It’s not necessarily a new thing for him since he’d played with Shannon in that way some, but he could tell she wasn’t that into it therefore it lost its effect on him.</p><p> </p><p>But something about Buck makes him insane with the need to mark him, claim him, bury himself and fuck him seven ways to Sunday until neither of them can think, or eat, or sleep, or breathe without aching for the other.</p><p> </p><p>That’s the new part.</p><p> </p><p>“How much longer do you think we have until I have to scoot back into the living room?” Buck asked, already lifting to swing his leg fully over Eddie’s legs so he was straddling the man’s hips.<br/><br/></p><p>They hadn’t told Christopher about their new relationship yet, and as much as Eddie wanted to keep this connection to themselves for a little while longer, it felt entirely wrong for Buck to sneak back out to the couch when he should’ve been in Eddie’s bed like he was now.</p><p> </p><p>Eddie’s hands came up to rest on Buck’s thick thighs almost reflexively, and that earned him a sly smile. “Enough time for whatever you’re thinking. Definitely enough for that.”</p><p> </p><p>With one hand planted beside Eddie’s head on the bed, Buck used his free hand to cup Eddie’s face, lowering himself until his nose was brushing the other man’s. Eddie flexed his fingers, tightening and loosening his hold on Buck’s thighs as he began panting, desperate for his man in that moment.</p><p> </p><p>That was something else that felt new to Eddie: the ultimate, all-consuming, lustful desperation he felt with Buck. Sure, everything with the man was very obviously new and exciting, but it was something else, something <em>more</em>, for Eddie that made his mouth water and his dick harden. Fuck! His own hole fucking clenches, ass flexing, like his body just knows Evan Buckley needs to be inside him, and if that’s not a scary thought, he doesn’t know what is considering he’s never (read: fucking <em>never</em>) thought about putting anything in his ass. No way.</p><p> </p><p>So why was his body acting like a traitor by exhibiting all the signs he wants to be filled?</p><p> </p><p>Because that’s what Eddie liked to call the Curse of Evan Buckley mainly because Buck liked to just come swooping in with his sexy hair and his sexy face, muscled and fucking ripped body, like he just owned the place…and you know what? He did. He owned him.</p><p> </p><p>When Buck continued to hover over Eddie’s lips, just a whisper of a kiss that tickled the skin above Eddie’s upper lip, a tease, Eddie felt his control slipping.</p><p> </p><p>“Buck…”</p><p> </p><p>Buck smiled then his mouth was on Eddie’s, soft lips moving fiercely over Eddie’s as he drank from him greedily. There wasn’t anything gentle or hesitant about this kiss as his first little tease would’ve suggested. Buck skillfully licked and nipped at Eddie’s eager mouth, and as much as Eddie wanted to be jealous over all the people Buck’s used to practice on, he couldn’t because he felt so consumed by this kiss.</p><p> </p><p>Eddie’s hands slid up to Buck’s hips, smoothing over his sweatpants softly, before traveling higher to glide under his shirt, feeling his hot skin flex against the rough skin of his palm. Buck gasped against Eddie’s mouth, and Eddie used the momentary distraction to grip Buck’s sides and flip them so he was tucked under Eddie’s body.</p><p> </p><p>This felt nice…right. Natural in the sense that Eddie wanted every morning to be like this. Morning kisses, the potential threat of Chris waddling into the room, the mischievous glint in Buck’s eyes as he thrust his hips upward against Eddie’s.</p><p> </p><p>Eddie groaned, grinding his groin over Buck’s, loving the way Buck’s eyes practically rolled into the back of his head as their cocks slid together. It was a fury of movement on Eddie’s part suddenly. He couldn’t get rid of their clothing fast enough, and he didn’t even wait to give Buck a chance to help him as he ripped his own short over his head then moved onto Buck’s, jerking it over his head roughly. Eddie had a moment of hesitation at that, but it was quickly dispelled when he saw Buck’s darkened, lust filled eyes and his flushed cheeks. The knowledge that Buck was just as turned on as Eddie was made him want to blow his load right then and there, but he managed to hold off.</p><p> </p><p>Instead of moving to his own pants, Eddie dragged Buck’s sweatpants and boxers over his hips then down his legs slowly, reveling in the fact that there was indeed a cock—not just anyone’s either…it was Buck’s—nestled there that made his mouth water in anticipation.</p><p> </p><p>There was a time when he wanted to fight this attraction because it felt so wrong. There was a time when he thought being attracted and wanting to do dirty things to Buck was wrong. During the time he was trying to figure his own shit out, doing that research he told Buck about, he learned some things. First of which being that there’s no rules to loving someone. That as long as what he’s doing is consensual there’s no wrong way to love someone. Maybe he wasn’t all the way in the category of love yet, or maybe he was in denial, and he was firmly in that column, just unwilling to admit it. Either way, Eddie didn’t want to hide from Buck. He didn’t want their time together to feel wrong, or unnatural. Because it wasn’t.</p><p> </p><p>It was the realest thing in Eddie’s life. Being with Buck, the concept of Eddie and Buck, was like the way bonfires and s’mores went together, the way peanut butter and chocolate went together, the way rainy days and mounds of blankets and snuggling went together. Buck made him feel sappy and poetic and mushy in all the ways Shannon wanted him to be. With Shannon, with any other lover, he’d had to work and try so hard to be what they expected. With Buck, it’s the most natural thing, like breathing, to give all of himself to the man. He didn’t have to question if he was saying or doing the right thing because he knew that Buck didn’t want him to be anyone but himself.</p><p> </p><p>“Eddie…” Buck breathed when he kneeled between his spread legs, bending to place soft kisses over his hairy thighs. “Please, Eds.”</p><p> </p><p>Eddie grinned, licking a long stripe over his hipbone then doing the same to the other side. “What do you want, Evan?” Buck’s eyes darkened at the use of his first name. “You want me to suck your cock? Play with you until you’re begging me to let you come?”</p><p> </p><p>“Jesus Christ, Eddie.”</p><p> </p><p>Eddie flicked his tongue over the slit of his dick, tasting the sticky fluid there. The bitter, salty taste flooded his senses, and all he wanted was more of it, more of the other man’s cum on his tongue. Eddie flicked his tongue again, enjoying Buck’s sharp intake of breath. “You want to cum in my mouth, Buck? You want me to suck your dick until you come down my throat?”</p><p> </p><p>Buck moaned, his hands fisting the sheets at his side. “I’m not sure I’ll make it that long if you don’t stop talking. Fuck, who knew you had such a dirty mouth?”</p><p> </p><p>Eddie snorted then sucked the head of Buck’s cock into his mouth, swirling his tongue around and flicked at the slit a few more times before swallowing him down as far as he could without choking and gagging himself. He pumped his hand at his base a few times, sucking in time with his hand, and he realized Buck wasn’t kidding about not lasting. One second, Buck had his eyes squeezed closed, fist in his mouth to muffle the noises spilling from his mouth. The next second, Eddie was just getting into a rhythm when Buck let out a hoarse cry that he was coming and began trying to pull out of Eddie’s mouth, but Eddie didn’t let him. He held onto his hips, gripping the slick flesh tightly to hold him in place as he swallowed him down once more, hollowing his cheeks and hoovering Buck’s damn cock like he was in the Olympics or something.</p><p> </p><p>He swallowed quickly as Buck filled his mouth spurt after spurt, and when he pulled off of his dick gently, he licked at the dribble of cum dripping down his chin.</p><p> </p><p>Looking at Buck splayed out, face relaxed and dopey in sated pleasure did things to him that he’d explore later. For now he just wanted to marvel in how beautiful Buck looked laid out on his bed, so trusting and totally cared for in this moment. The moment itself was beautiful and more than Eddie ever dreamed of.</p><p> </p><p>He shook his head then pushed his own pants down his hips enough to free his leaking erection that was begging for some attention, but he couldn’t wait for Buck to come back to his senses. He couldn’t wait any longer because his cock was swollen and angry, leaking pre-cum all over himself, and as hard as it was to curb the odd urge to stuff his cock into Buck’s grinning mouth and fuck his face, he managed to dial it back, striping his hard cock over and over again. Less than a dozen strokes later, he was right on the edge, and he looked down to see Buck staring at him hungrily.</p><p> </p><p>Before Eddie could say anything, warn him that he was about cum, beg him for one of their tossed shirts to unload into to, Buck said, voice husky and breathy, “Come on me, Eddie.”</p><p> </p><p>And whoop there it is…</p><p> </p><p>Eddie groaned long and low, ropes of cum shooting out of his throbbing dick onto Buck’s torso, a little dribble landing on his chin. It took several moments for Eddie to come back to himself, milking every last drop of cum out of his cock and onto Buck pliant body. His body felt warm and calmed, completely relaxed.</p><p> </p><p>He wasn’t really thinking when he reached a hand down to Buck’s stomach, rubbing his spunk into the man’s skin. Some sick part of him wanted to beat on his chest and chant <em>mine, mine, mine</em> over and over again as he marked Buck as his, rubbed his scent all over him. It was caveman of him, totally unnecessary and a bit domineering, but his mind was singing with it. His body was lit up from within at the sight of Buck so pliant and willing under him, letting him do as he pleased with his body.</p><p> </p><p>Eddie swiped at the cum on Buck’s chin, trailing it down his throat and down his chest until he was able to swirl it around his nipple. “You are so beautiful like this, Evan.”</p><p> </p><p>He blushed, turning his head away presumably to hide the goofy, shy grin taking over his face, but Eddie didn’t want that. He cupped Buck’s jaw, turning his head back to him to kiss his chin, his mouth, his nose, each eyelid. He wanted Buck to feel worshipped, completely revered in a way he’d never been before.</p><p> </p><p>Buck was making Eddie feel things for the first time, and he wanted Buck to feel what he was feeling. He wanted Buck to feel how radical and out-of-this-world his love made him feel. Eddie wanted Buck to experience the same things he was because he felt like a kid again, so happy and full of life. That’s what Buck did for him. He made him feel lighter and like he was somehow capable of anything. They hadn’t been together long, and if this is how he felt so soon, how would he feel years from now? And yes, that’s exactly what he meant to say. Years… That’s what he saw with the man.</p><p> </p><p>Eddie always thought he knew what love was, what it felt like to be wholly committed to someone. This is different, all-consuming and unbreakable. It felt like being home and safety, like every part of Buck was engraved in his bones. It felt reckless yet innocent, safe yet sinful.</p><p> </p><p>There was no doubt in Eddie’s mind that he loved Buck with every fiber of his being, that no matter what Evan Buckley was it for him.</p><p> </p><p>Now he just had to tell him.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. self-destruction</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Evan Buckley destroyed himself, so no one else could.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Okay, I was a little hesitant to post this chapter because it got heavier than I intended, so I’m just going to post it. Stop worrying so much, and just let you guys have it. </p><p>Possible TW for some just really negative thoughts... </p><p>This is a shorter ch but I ~needed~ to end it where I did for reasons. This is a chapter I wrote from personal experience. There’s a line I might’ve already used in this fic somewhere, but if not, you’ll definitely see it sooner than later. Recovery, the healing process, is not linear. There’s curves and loops, and sometimes you go forward then back then FARTHER back before going forward again. </p><p>Thank you to theholyfandoms for reassuring and encouraging me with this. </p><p>Anyways, love you guys. Stay healthy and strong.<br/>Follow me on tumblr (I’m still not sure what I’m doing half the time) and don’t be scared to message me!<br/>http://fernnette.tumblr.com/</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Are you sure about this?” Eddie asked Buck as they loaded five large pumpkins into the back of Eddie’s truck. “Something tells me this isn’t going to go the way you planned it.”</p><p> </p><p>Buck scoffed, “Come on, Eds. Where’s your sense of adventure? It’s just carving pumpkins…maybe an erupting pumpkin too.” At Eddie’s wide-eyed expression, he quickly tacks on, “But maybe not, who knows?”</p><p> </p><p>Eddie rubbed his forehead with a small chuckle, “What time is Kaylee and Sam coming over again?”</p><p> </p><p>“Three. Sam needs to home by eight, so I think that’ll give the kids plenty of time to carve a pumpkin, eat dinner, and have some time to play or…whatever they want to do, I guess?” Buck said, but he paused at the look on Eddie’s face. He was gazing at him, eyes soft and one corner of his mouth quirked up. Buck felt nervous, bringing a hand up to rub the back of his neck. “What? What’s with the face?”</p><p> </p><p>Eddie shook his head, “Nothing… I just like the way that sounds.”</p><p> </p><p>“What sounds?”</p><p> </p><p>Eddie twined his fingers with Buck’s, so sloppy and perfect, and Buck marveled at the happiness shining through Eddie’s eyes. There was something to be said about seeing first hand just how happy Buck seemed to make him. Eddie finally said, “The kids, making plans and strategizing…it just sounds really nice.”</p><p> </p><p>Buck smiled and nodded. His heart felt too full at the moment, sure it would burst from all the emotion Eddie was making him feel in the moment. “It does, doesn’t it?”</p><p> </p><p>Eddie cleared his throat, releasing his hold on Buck’s hand, and before Buck could protest the loss, Eddie was smacking his ass with a playful holler. “Let’s get a move on, Buckley.”</p><p> </p><p>//////</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, god… What is that supposed to be?” Kaylee asked as she helped Buck sort through all of the pumpkin guts in the middle of the table. As soon as Sam and Kaylee had arrived, she’d announced her love for pumpkin seeds and declared she’d be taking all of them. Lucky for her, Eddie and I weren’t even tempted to argue with her.</p><p> </p><p>Well, maybe Eddie was just to spite her, but he didn’t. Buck would like to think it was the little brush of his hand over the man’s thigh that distracted him long enough for Buck to change the subject.</p><p> </p><p>Eddie grimaced at his pumpkin as Sam and Chris look over his shoulder not-so-silently judging if their snickers and shared looks are anything to go by. Buck smiles at the two of them and marvels at how fast they became friends in the past couple of hours.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s supposed to be a classic scary face…” Eddie said as he held the pumpkin in his hands at arms length, examining the drooping, sour face on his canvas.</p><p> </p><p>Christopher and Sam opted to paint their pumpkins instead of carving since they didn’t want the adults to help them at all. It turned into a bigger project than the carving since Sam demanded glitter, which she promptly spilled all over Eddie’s table, floor, and a little on the man’s arm, and Chris said he couldn’t paint with a single brush. He needed several brushes (<em>“How dare we stunt his artistry, Eddie? Gah.”</em>). Buck could feel Eddie’s patience dwindling as soon as the day started, so Buck took over for the most part with Kaylee. He guided the kids though the painting rules—and Sam through the newly established glitter rules—while somehow managing to gently instruct Eddie without him realizing it.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m painting Wolverine riding a skateboard through a field of flowers,” Chris stated with a wide smile.</p><p> </p><p>Sam giggled at his pumpkin before standing back with her thumb and index around her chin like she’s in deep thought looking at her creation. “Well, I’m painting me and Evan as ghosts scaring little old ladies.”</p><p> </p><p>“What?” Buck laughs. “Old ladies?”</p><p> </p><p>“Duh… Who else would we scare?” Sam asked seriously.</p><p> </p><p>Kaylee tossed a seed at Buck’s forehead, “She’s right, you know? Thems be the rules.” She shrugs, smiling.</p><p> </p><p>Buck shook his head at the kids before connecting eyes with Eddie over their heads. There was something different in the soft way Eddie was gazing at him, something wholesome and innocent.</p><p> </p><p>That’s how it’s been with the two of them lately. An easiness had settled over them over the past week that seemed to make Eddie incredibly sappy, sappier than Buck ever imagined him being in a relationship. It was strange to be on the receiving end of all the good and sweet that is Eddie Diaz. Strange in a way that Buck never thought he’d experience but is ultimately thrilled about.</p><p> </p><p>They’ve managed to keep their relationship private from their crew at work and Chris, but it’s wearing down on both of them after just a short amount of time. They went into the agreement with good intentions, keeping this—something special—to themselves to enjoy for just a while before reality caught up with them. The more Buck thought about it though the more he realized it wasn’t really Eddie holding back. Eddie said from that day in Buck’s kitchen that he was all in. Buck could only assume that meant all in their relationship, meaning he was ready to scream his gay love for Buck from the rooftops.</p><p> </p><p>And isn’t that odd? This whole conundrum happened because Buck couldn’t keep his confused lips to himself, couldn’t <em>not</em>tell Eddie that he was hotter than the fires they fought and sweeter than the raspberry lemon scones—ahem, fruity biscuits. So how fucking <em>weird</em> is it that Eddie is now the one unable to keep his Evan Buckley centric lips to himself? It’s weird, okay? Buck thought he’d be the one begging for them to go public, to spew their friends-to-lovers romance all over the damn place and disgust everyone, but no.</p><p> </p><p>Buck was the one with a hold up, and as much as he’d like to continue living in denial about the insecurities and issues, Frank, the stubborn bastard, had encouraged him at his appointment the other day to voice these concerns and communicate with Eddie, so he can clear the air.</p><p> </p><p>He hated it when Frank actually made sense, and for what? To help Buck? Geez.</p><p> </p><p>Buck had a lot to come clean about. Sure, it was one thing for him to take the plunge as far as spilling feelings goes, but now he’s reaping the benefits—hot, sexy as sin with the mouth of a pornstar kind of benefits—without really giving much of himself in return. He has no one to blame but himself, really, because Eddie made it clear he wanted everything Buck had to offer. He just couldn’t get himself to want and crave without crippling guilt.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>—you’re exhausting—</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Ugh! Every time he thought those dumbs words, he wanted to smack himself then smack Eddie for ever saying it in the first place. If Bobby or Chim had said those words, it would’ve rolled right off his back, but Eddie? Eddie knew him better than almost everyone. Eddie’s opinion meant more to Buck than his own sometimes, and that was where the problem lies in retrospect, or at least that’s what Frank said.</p><p> </p><p>That Buck allowed others to control how he thought about himself. It’s not a conscious decision, more of a habit he’s allowed himself to indulge in; because, Buck seeks praise like bees seek flowers to pollinate. He craves knowing he’s made others happy, that he’s good, and people care about him. According to Frank, that’s more common than Buck thought if his red cheeks and downcast eyes meant anything.</p><p> </p><p>Eddie caught Buck’s gaze once more, brows pulled down in concern as he searched Buck’s face which he’s sure was pulled into a scowl after getting so lost in his thoughts. He shot the man a small smile before returning to his sifting. A quick glance at Kaylee showed her raised brow and knowledge that she’d seen whatever just happened between us.</p><p> </p><p>AKA Eddie telepathically asking if Buck was okay, and Buck shutting him out.</p><p> </p><p>Worst Boyfriend award went to Evan Buckley. What’s new?</p><p> </p><p>//////</p><p> </p><p>Buck knew it wasn’t right. He knew that he was being selfish and manipulative in the way he was hiding and guarding parts of himself from the one person he shouldn’t have secrets from, from the person who’s made sure Buck not only knows he can tell him anything, but also has shared the deepest parts of himself with Buck even if it painted him in a bad light.</p><p> </p><p>So, yeah, Buck knew that he was a shitty person for distracting Eddie from his mood shift while they painted and carved pumpkins with his hands and mouth on various parts of his body. He felt absolutely <em>shitty</em> as he did it, and yet he couldn’t stop himself. Like he was functioning on some kind of autopilot, his hands slid over Eddie’s shoulders and his mouth moved to nip along his jaw and down his neck.</p><p> </p><p>Bile rose in his throat, a nauseating sickness washing over him as he tried to make himself stop for just a few seconds, but it only fueled him on. A sudden need to prove that he was fine crept over him. Something to prove that he wasn’t broken, that he could love Eddie wholly without the fear of breaking down over something as simple and tone deaf as his own thoughts. Buck needed to prove to Eddie, to himself, that he was capable of being more than a lump of bad thoughts and even worse actions. He needed to be more than Evan Buckley: loser with a stiff leg and the emotions of stale bread.</p><p> </p><p>Because at the end of the day, Buck was his own worst enemy, and as much as he wanted to avoid that age old cliché, it was fitting, true and surreal. Because nothing held him back more than his owns negative thoughts and insecurities. Because Buck made sure that everyday of his life, he’ll remind himself that he’ll never be more than exhausting and selfish and ungrateful. Because Buck believed his own thoughts more than anything else, more than the truth slapping him in the face. His progress, every shred of happiness he’d managed to scrounge up, could be snapped in half at just a thought, at just the smallest niggle of anxiety.</p><p> </p><p>Evan Buckley destroyed himself, so no one else could.</p><p> </p><p>And none of it made sense, you know? Because Buck was doing <em>fine</em>. He was okay. His mind felt clearer, and his skin didn’t feel inflamed and too tight anymore. His chest didn’t ache, and the unexplainable nausea seemed to dissipate over time. Buck was making progress, slowly, but he was doing it. He was smiling, and fuck, he was <em>breathing</em> easier.</p><p> </p><p>So he didn’t know what happened; though it was clear something went wrong. Something changed in the time it took him to imagine a future where happiness was the baseline of all things to gasping for breath like he was dying, like he was suffocating under the weight of his own self. It was contradictory and a little absurd just how far gone Buck allowed himself to get of his own volition.</p><p> </p><p>Self-destruction in the midst of something great, something perfect and life-changing like Eddie, seemed to be the only way Buck could react.</p><p> </p><p>He could justify it in his mind by spinning tales of self-deprecation and worthlessness, tales of not being too greedy, tales of letting the one perfect, noble thing in his life be free of the darkness, the destruction in him.</p><p> </p><p>It was like vines, twirling and growing over every place in his mind, wrapping and squeezing the life out of him day by day until Buck felt hollow, a blank canvas, a shell of the man he once was. A man that had hope and looked at each day brightly. A man that—</p><p> </p><p>“Buck!” A voice drifted through his thoughts, “Breathe, Buck.”</p><p> </p><p>Warm, rough hands cupped his face, forcing his gaze up. He could only imagine in that moment how wild and flitting his eyes were when he saw Eddie watching him in concern. It was then that Buck realized he was breathing heavily, practically hyperventilating, rocking back and forth beside Eddie on the couch. Eddie’s hands held his face firmly as he whispered soft commands, almost begging Buck to breathe with him.</p><p> </p><p>“Breathe with me, baby.” Eddie forced his gaze to stay on him, and Buck found himself sucking in a shaky breath with the man, staring into his eyes diligently, like if he even blinked, Eddie would disappear.</p><p> </p><p>As they let out a breath together, a small smile crossed Eddie’s lips, “It’s okay. You’re safe here. You’re safe with me, Evan.” Then his thumb swept across Buck’s cheek, just under his eye, and Buck realized he’d started crying at some point. A sob wracked his body at Eddie’s soft, soothing words and his gentle, reassuring touch, and Buck dipped his head to burrow into Eddie’s neck, clinging to his shirt tightly as his body shook.</p><p> </p><p>It all felt like too much and not quite enough.</p><p> </p><p>“Please…” Buck rasped. “Please, don’t go.”</p><p> </p><p>Eddie smoothed his hand over Buck’s hand, fingers combing through the short hair growing there, as he shushed him. “I’m not going anywhere, do you hear me? Even if I die tomorrow, I’m going to haunt your ass everyday. You are never going to live another day without me, Evan Buckley. You get me?”</p><p> </p><p>Buck choked out a sob as he nodded, lips grazing over Eddie’s tear-damp skin.</p><p> </p><p>“Let’s go to bed. Come on.”</p><p> </p><p>Buck let Eddie drag him down the hall to his bedroom. Buck let Eddie undress him, nothing inappropriate in his gaze, only a fondness that Buck hoped would always be there. He stripped Buck of his clothing then helped him pull on a pair of Eddie’s sweatpants. The seriousness of the moment really settled within him as he realized neither of them made jokes about the tight fit of the pants.</p><p> </p><p>It felt like such an odd thing to think about in the moment, and Buck couldn’t help the bubble of laughter that spilled out of him. It was something so insignificant, so humbling, that Buck couldn’t stop the way his body shook with more laughter, and Eddie’s incredulous gaze seemed to only set him off more.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m sorry,” Buck breathed, inhaling deeply through the tears. His lips quivered as his laughter turned into something different, something ugly and wet. “I’m so sorry.”</p><p> </p><p>Eddie shook his head, tugging Buck to the bed, laying him down in the center and tucking Buck’s head under his chin to rest lightly on his chest. Strong arms held him close, caressing the bare skin on his back. The moment was intimate and everything Buck’s afraid of letting himself have.</p><p> </p><p>He wasn’t sure how much time passed as Eddie did nothing more than hold him and rub his back soothingly. It wasn’t much, but it was everything Buck didn’t know he needed.</p><p> </p><p>“Shannon used to beg me for this,” Eddie murmured after a while. Buck tilted his head up, searching out Eddie’s face in confusion, but he was staring at the ceiling, face relaxed as he talked. “She always told me I was insensitive, or…just incapable of being a good partner.”</p><p> </p><p>Buck ran his hand over Eddie’s arm. “You know that’s not true, right?”</p><p> </p><p>Eddie shrugged lazily under Buck’s weight. “I know it was hard, emotionally, being with her, and I know that even when she’d cry and beg me for more—to just be this warm, loving guy—I couldn’t. I <em>wouldn’t</em>.” He paused, brow furrowing, “I thought it was me. That something was wrong with me…but then you came along.”</p><p> </p><p>“Me?” Buck whispered more to himself than Eddie.</p><p> </p><p>“I loved Shannon. She was my wife and the mother of my child; she’ll always hold a special place in my heart, but she wasn’t…she wasn’t my one great love like Abby was for you. I felt guilty about that at first, but I don’t want to feel guilty anymore, Buck. I don’t want to feel anything but good things with you.”</p><p> </p><p>Eddie rolled them over suddenly until Buck was on his back, tucked underneath Eddie as the man gazed down at him. There was a lot to unpack there. More fondness and affectionate than had ever been directed his way. More desperation and openness than he’d ever seen on Eddie. It was heady and enlightening and completely overwhelming.</p><p> </p><p>Eddie placed a chaste kiss on Buck’s lips, dry and barely there, pulling away before Buck could even reciprocate.</p><p> </p><p>“I know you’re scared. I know there are things you don’t want me to know, things that make you think it’ll change things.” Eddie placed a kiss on his bottom lip. “When you’re ready to talk, I’ll be here; because, nothing you say is going to change anything for me, okay?”</p><p> </p><p>“Okay,” Buck mumbled.</p><p> </p><p>His head felt a little fuzzy, stunned by the way Eddie managed to just put it out there, by the way Eddie Diaz was the one to be vulnerable and open. It only seemed to intensify as Eddie continued to stare down at him, a pleading look on his face.</p><p> </p><p>Eddie’s lips quirked upward slightly, barely there, “Stop thinking…” He pressed another dry kiss to his lips, pulling back just enough so that his lips still brushed Buck’s as he spoke. “Let me love you, Evan.”</p><p> </p><p>Oh, fuck.</p><p> </p><p>Buck surged forward, capturing Eddie’s lips with his own, trying to convey every ass-backwards emotion Buck had managed to force himself to feel during the day. He poured his whole self into every push and pull as he sat up with Eddie straddling his hips.</p><p> </p><p>Buck was no stranger to kissing. He’s done it dozens and dozens of times, but this? With Eddie? It’s more than a kiss. Calling what they’re doing a <em>kiss</em> seems too mediocre and insignificant. This was mind bending and heart stopping. It was hot and damp and totally perfect, occupying every fabric of his being. This was sending tingles through every nerve ending and shocking him from the inside out. For a moment, Buck was sure he was dreaming. He had to be because nothing this good, nothing this soul-baring, could be real.</p><p> </p><p>And that’s exactly what it was: real and soul-baring.</p><p> </p><p>Eddie’s lips demanded only what was real, accepting nothing less in return for the same, and Buck gave it to him willingly. He kissed Eddie like he couldn’t breathe without their lips touching. Buck gave him everything he couldn’t seem to get himself to say.</p><p> </p><p>Eddie pulled away first, gasping for air as he pressed their foreheads together. “We…we should stop, Buck.”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah,” Buck nodded, “you’re probably right.”</p><p> </p><p>They stared at one another a moment longer before Eddie was pushing Buck back so he was laid out again, wrapping himself around Buck this time, head reacting lightly on his shoulder as Eddie threw an arm and a leg over Buck’s body.</p><p> </p><p>It wasn’t until Eddie’s breathing evened out that Buck slipped out of the bed, tugged his clothes back on, and left the Diaz home.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I would love for you guys to comment any fluff or domestic scenes y’all really want to see! I have a lot in mind, but it might be fun to throw some of your suggestions in there as well!</p><p>My tumblr: http://fernnette.tumblr.com/<br/>I’m no longer on Twitter, but I’m slowly figuring out tumblr lol</p></blockquote></div></div>
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